I long to be free, like a nomad, released from the bounds of my job, my home, my wife and kids, and to just wander, lost in thoughts and experiences of Kundalini and the divine. The sunny weather we are having here at the moment is making it worse as I sit in my office looking out of the window. I want to be out there, not in here. I want to be following God's path, not some human constructed path. The societal expectation upon me brings me no pleasure and I cannot fathom how it could for anyone, no matter how many trinkets and toys one acquires.
The urge to jack it all in is powerful but I ponder on the possibility of giving my soul freedom within the confines of my present situation. Is it possible that I, my ego, is somehow resrticting my soul within this path of someone elses creation, and is there a way I can free it even given the boundaries I have to live within? If I could master this, then maybe I wouldn't feel so bad and wouldn't yearn to be out there in the wider world. How do I free my soul while my mind/body is in bondage?
I used to speak my mind and throw caution to the wind, I would tell it as I saw it and I would not put up with BS from people. I remember feeling happier in myself by acting this way, acting as though each day was potentially the last for the business and there was no time for politics, dilly dallying, or procrastination. However, while I felt good about myself, I engendered issues in those around me, I was building up a force against me and inevitably that force grew to the point at which it collectively pushed back.
So I do not behave that way any more, and since Kundalini awoke I try to treat people with compassion, with kindness and remembering that each is fighting their own internal battle of which I am not aware. I allow the BS to go on, recognising it but not believing it. I let people off and do not rigidly hold them to their responsibilities, and as a result the feedback I get is positive, and I've just had a pay rise, but here's the thing, I feel horrible about my own conduct.
I feel i've let myself down, I feel i've let God down, and i'm crawling in my skin, I'm not sleeping well and I keep returning to this question of how to free my soul while enduring this guilt?