Oh my god, I have come to a conclusion that i don't really want to admit. I have had the realisation that I have had everything backwards, Ali does not need my help, I need hers. in the teacher student releationship, she has a lot to teach me. She's doing her best to prevent me destroying myself, and i've been doing my best to end my journey.

I saw in her; all of my flaws and wanted to help her rise above them, but in my desperation to help I am not helping either of us, I am not playing my role, I am not being impeccable. I had a long chat with Ali the other week and I said that I would no longer stand by and watch, I had to act and help her. I thought I was doing the right thing.

I wasn't.

Alis flaws are my flaws, and she is showing me how to behave and how not to. I do not have to follow her but I must watch and learn, everything she does is a lesson for me but i didn't see it. She was my teacher, my benefactor all along, she was trying to tell me that it's okay not to worry about her and I should be worrying about myself.

She is truely my opposite, my relfection.

I love her, but she is going through hell, maybe so that I don't have to? She loves me and I don't see it, I am stupidly trying to stop her and trying to destroy her love. I should be accepting and studious. I thought I was the bodhisawta, but I am not, she is.

I have to let her be who she wants to be. She can never walk my path, and I can never tread on hers. This is how it is meant to be, two people united by love, united for a cause I do not understand, but on a path I recognise.

Society won't understand what i'm saying here, but this is not for society, Ali and I are not in society.

I must stop trying to help her, and show her my love. Equality it seems is a myth, it can never be. Men and Women are not meant to be equal, rather partnerships are two equal halfs but the split is not down the middle; Yin and Yang.

Selfishness is a rule of society, its not selfish to be who you are meant to be.

What does this all mean, well I've searched for others like me and I have not found any, there is no other like me, no other who would understand what i'm going on about, but there have been those who pointed the way who told me where I was going...