In many areas of my life right now, i'm feeling out of control, i'm lost in a sea of confusion, but there's a new angle to this. Whereas before I would be panicing and trying deperately to make sense of whats going on around me, this time I am feeling that this is a actually a good thing.

I am finding myself thinking; Insead of floundering around and thrashing widly I should learn to be happy with this situation, it is more likey to be closer to the truth than any controlled environment. If i can become comfortable in a situation that is out of control then i have taken a step nearer the ultimate truth.

I need to be at home in the chaos. Thinking is not the only way of knowing things, to spend my time thinking about everything is to try and control everything, which is impossible. The fog in my head is not my enemy it is my goal, switch off the thinking, let things come to me from somewhere else.

I'm not sure if this new way of thinking is a step up or a step down in terms of enlghtenment, it kind of seems like a step down, but feels like it is a stage beyond ego death. I guess time will tell.

i've just read this post by Rajesh on mind-brain, it seems relevant:

"For an omnipresent God, Future/Past/Present are with in his attention. Hence his attention has to be infinite and memory is zero. When a human being expands his attention to infinity, he becomes god."

This is ringing bells for me, perhaps this is what is happening to me, my memory is shrinking and my attention becoming greater!