I've always been in control of my feelings until today, why now?

What the fuck is now?

Why am I going through this shit?

I don't feel I can cry but I think I should, I am feeling pained; as if something is horribly wrong. I want to run away. I feel I have lost the essence of me.

There is some comfort in the feeling that my core is still intact, somewhere deep down. It has not been touched.