I have just watched the film The Machinist and I am convinced the story was written by someone who feels like I do now, perhaps every day, and the film accurately passes on this psychosis to the viewer.
I am doubting everything from my memory to my concept of reality, Who am I? Is this feeling freedom? Horrible freedom.
I feel that the film has somehow released something in me like a drug would, to fracture and split my awareness, no longer am I constrained to one timeline, one perspective, it is just like Trevor and Ivan in the film.
There is so much safety in linearality.
What gets me more is that in the film Trevor is inevitably and obviously drawn towards his destiny by the things going on around him, and yet he cannot see his destiny. I too feel I am drawn by things around me to some conclusion that I cannot see. Why for example am I drawn to find films that can do this to me? Why do I feel that they are pieces of a very personal puzzle. Is my website; Trevor's fridge? am I hanging myself slowly?
I have noticed of late a number of different people in different situations all remarking the same thing about me: Am I asleep? did you drop off there? A guy at work, my hairdresser, my wife!
Am I passing out and not knowing it during the day? I have no memory of doing so and I don't think I am missing any part of the timeline but there is a nagging feeling that they are right, and that time stops.
I am having one of those moments where I wonder if I am truly mental!