The Boring Repetition Of The Self-esteem

So i'm back again, back at the start of it all. Back in the shit and the anguish.

Why am I not learning from my mistakes, why is the world repeating itself over again?

One thing I have learned over previous experiences of this reflective spinning, is that there is a kind of distance from me and these feelings. I am able to observe the paths I choose and reflect upon them while i'm in them. Last time I was only aware of the repeating nature of this experience, so maybe that's progress!

I seem to be preoccupied at the moment with the path of the rebel. I can see me becoming a rebel once again, and largely it is under control, but it has escaped once this wek without me realising it. I caught myself after an outburst of rebelliousness, but it was too late by then, the deed was done. I had dared to care about a situation and it temporarily blinded me, I foolishly thought I was doing the best for my friends and those around me.

Actually that reveals in me a second preoccupation with a stereo type, that of the injustice fighter. Why do I feel the need to see mself as a super hero who can save the day? that's one for the pot I think...

It's weird, fighting injustice and incompetence are underlying themes and seem to be motivating factors in my life. When I do, it invariably perpetuates this spiral.

The impact of this restting of the universe in my head does seem to be lessening every time, and a I do think I am learning more each turn. This knowledge stays with me through a reset and maybe helps lessen the blow.

I wonder if everyone has these cycles, and regardless of new jobs, new cars, new homes, and new people to live with, in their heads they are forever repeating the same actions and feelings. One could probably plot the events that happen and trigger the feelings, i'm sure I could draw a diagram of the circle of my universe, maybe I will.

I also had a realisation yesterday that, while I tend to see my actions as heroic and strong, from another perspective they could be seen as pathetic and weak. It's a horrible thing to face, that everything you do or say can be regarded as anything other than the way it was meant. No matter how justified you feel your actions are, there could be a good percentage of people whos heads are wired differently and will see just the opposite.

The angry office worker who shouts at his manager, the person with road rage behind you on the motorway, the woman in a supermarket who crys to get attention and sympathy of strangers, the animal activist that breaks into a compounds and frees the animals, the student that lies down in front of a tank and refuses to move, the suicide case that teeters on the narrow railing of a bridge. All of these are personal crusades that will seem justifiable and maybe necessary to the individual, but the vast majority will not understand and moreover will judge wrongly because of their perspective.

Everyone has their litle universe spinning round and round, repeating over and again in their heads, and no-one, no fucker out there realises that they will repeat those thoughts until they die and while the situations and people will change, the problems will not. They'll end up doing the most crazy things that will be fully justifed within their private universe but no other living being will be able to understand their actions.

There is only one answer, to break this cycle, and there is only one way to do it; learn about it, remember it, prevent it happening again. Which reminds me, i need to do some more learning and recapitulating.


One of the results of a detailed recapitulation is genuine laughter upon coming face to face with the boring repetition of one's self-esteem, which is at the core of all human interactions

Carlos castaneda,

The Eagles Gift.


Back to Thoughts