Wheels Within Wheels
Fuck Fuck Fuck, I am in a bad place once again. Everything seems too much to fucking handle, too much to fucking cope with. Round and round I go without a hope of stopping, this cycle is my crutch.
I just want to go to bed and stay there until i'm better. I want to wrap myself in a duvet and hide from the world, to be warm and at piece is my goal.
I am confused again, and i find myself wondering if the path i have chosen is worth the effort. I thought that i would be free from these kinds of feelings i thought it was supposed to remove me from a world in which i can feel them. I'm thinking that i maybe happier in a world of games, in a world where i take some control instead of giving it all away. I was always quite good at playing. I miss it, no i crave it.
I have been reading about the rules of the game, and i feel that i am prepared now to do well in the other world. I understand what motivates people, I understand how to get the better of them and to conquer them. I am eager to go and show what i can do, yet i feel this is still not the right thing to do regardless of how much i want it.
My heart is tethered to the floor, and i can't stand up, I am full of pity and self loathing. I am a wretch, a dirty low life at the bottom of a long ladder. I have stepped off of the first rung, but it is still in front of me. I could reach for it and start to climb again.
This other world, the one in which i currently reside is empty and without substance. I am still looking at the world, although it's through a window, it's millimeters away from my fingertips. I have seen nothing of any other world; visually.
I wonder if this is a lack of effort, I have always tend to give up at stuff when i felt there was no benefit in it. So i would not follow something all the way, i'd go maybe 60% of the way and think that that was enough. It is why i stopped achieving in the other world. It's why my efforts were in vein. Is this model applying itself again in my mirror world? I understand the rules and yet i cannot see the worth in following them. So i'm scuppered in both worlds, unable to go on, and unable to go back.
How long is long enough? must i follow the rules until my demise? can i ever reach a point where i can stop?
I know the answers to these questions but do not want to acknowledge them.