"advantages are taken not handed out,

while you struggle inside your head" Metallica.

The Struggle within

I'm struggling again, struggling right now. Struggling to make peace with myself. My mind is spinning like its trying to escape from my head, It will breach when it reaches the terminal velocity, it's not far away now. I want to run, I want to just stand up and run far away. I feel the deperate need to be at peace, to sit under a tree in the warm sun and relax for the rest of my days.

I'm frustrated to the point of insanity, I'm unable to concentrate on what I should be doing and I am seeing incompetance all around me. I want to sort it out, I want to straighten out the mess, but I fear that I cannot. I fear that I have to live within a paradox, I fear even that I am imcompetant. I am Stuck not just between a rock and hard place, but a life and a death, forever wriggling and twisting to be free, clawing and scratching at the event horizon that won't let me be. I need sort out the mess that is everywhere, but I cannot.

I feel that I have no voice, I am stifled, I am suffocating, I am bound and tied and dieing here. Is it strength that I need? Strength and power to be able to sort out all that is around me, or maybe something else. Should I even be trying, should I just forget it and accept my bondage.

I want to fight, but I have nothing to fight with. No tangible enemy faces me, there is nothing to struggle with unless my enemy is within. Then I must fight myself, what a mess. Pugilist verses pugilist within my head. I must resolve the inner conflict that percieves the outer conflict. But how? How can I do this, I lack the knowledge, experience, and resolve, how How HOW? I know that I cannot carry on for long, pretending that everything is okay, forgiving sins around me, putting up with the horrors that hide themselves behind clever disguises. Blood suckers in human masks are laughing at me, I am being pushed and pulled, prevoked and cajoled, stabbed and skewered with torture instruments of their choosing.

I feel one thing to be true, one thing underlying this garbage that cannot be unearthed by my pursuers. I am good, I am not like them, I live for truth and consistency, for realisation and understanding, for teaching and sharing. So I will push on, I will not give in, I will be at peace despite their evil planning.

Is that it, have I vanquished their pull on me? I think so, I think their hold is slipping.

I feel better, my dark seed has not germinated, I have not fallen. I stand strong like a being on the verge of something. Something bigger than they can imagine, something so great that it will eclipse their darkness with a light never before seen. I will continue to walk this razors' edge, I will not fail.


Back to Thoughts